old hurts resurface through
the words of a song
the smell of a stranger
a photo of better times
i feel the familiar sensation of breaking apart
the disintegration of my body
the release of blood in various vessels
the dying of light
a candle
snuffed out
by the meeting
of fingertips
(yours, hers)
there’s a list of things i cannot talk about.
you are at the very top.
we were something to eachother once.
“We Do What We Want” by O+S
this song puts me at the bottom of the sea,
but not in a bad way.
the sea
moves in swirls
of salt and sand.
she swallows me whole,
she fills my lungs,
and i sink,
and i sink,
and i sink.
the fishermen
rush to rescue
with hooks and nets and cages.
they bait with kind words,
but they pierce with sharp barbs,
and i refuse,
and i refuse,
and i refuse
to bite.
please, i say,
i won’t be reeled in
by the illusion of recovery.
you can’t save a fish from water,
and you can’t save me from the sea,
and i drift,
and i drift,
and i drift
away.
still
they send ships
and tend lighthouses.
i look for the words now to tell you,
i struggle to grasp the sounds,
and i try,
and i try,
and i try,
but i just can’t explain.
i mean,
i can’t go back.
i mean,
have you ever seen the sun
from the bottom of the sea?
clearly, i am in great need of improvement.
i don’t know where i’ve been the last few weeks,
but i’m trying to find my way back.
“Run” by Snow Patrol
___________________
took him to the airport today.
listened to this song together for most of the ride there.
listened to this song alone for most of the ride home.
long-distance relationships are hard.
but i’m not letting go of something i feel is worth the pain.
it’s a new year,
give me a new skin to live in.
i want to shed this old life
and start afresh.
who says i can’t?
i’d like to start painting again.
